Voices
Inside Me
It's been years since I heard those afflictive words. Words that
crashed, killed me and made me lost myself. You are nothing but a
worthless bastard. You're a coward, a shallow-brained, and a mollycoddle. It
would have been so much better if you didn't exist." Those words that made
me feel the least worthy of creatures in the universe.
Words that made me ask
myself, Am I such a bad luck?
Is this the
reason why I'm left behind? God made me and placed me in
this world for nothing? I don't know. I just don't know the reason why. I
already lost my family. My mom died because of my recklessness.
My brother
doesn't want me, he despise me to death, and so does my sister. But those
things I felt from them is nothing compared to the pain my father did. He's
hundred times worse than my brother and sister. His knife-like words stabbed me
deepest. One day, I just woke up with no one beside me. No one cared for me, no
one stayed. I
am alone in this oblivious world of mine. The people around me
always disparage and see me like I am a bad women. They treat me like I have
this serious contagious disease and have death beside me. No matter how I try
to lessen the thought or the image I have to them, I always fail. I've tried
reading words of encouragement or anything that can help me fix myself and heal
my inmost being which is destroyed by those words that pierced my heart. But no
matter how I tried, I again failed. I heard the voices inside me shouting,
killing, and betraying me.
"Yes. You are what other people say about
you.You are what they think you are. You are
what they know you were."
"You're a curse in this world."' "No. I'm not.". But instead of saying those words, instead of
picking up my self, and try to fight those voices, I slumped to the ground,
breaking apart. They're right. I'm weak. I'm a coward, too afraid to face the
challenges. I am a failure. I don't even know who I really am. I don't know
where to stand, I don't know where to find my strength. Then I heard him again,
the voice inside. He's telling me how to resolve the mess I created. I followed
his words, and I found myself holding this hard, sharp, and dangerous thing.
All I know is, this is the only way to end my misery. The voices tells me everything.
Enough to end my life. Thanks to him. Thanks to that voice,
my voice.
